listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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