I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
