To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
