The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
