im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize