Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
