Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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