I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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