Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
