i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
