Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
