It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
