Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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