Your dad touched me again.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
