I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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