I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
