from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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