dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
