i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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