I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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