I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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