It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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