oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
