Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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