I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
