i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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