Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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