The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
