Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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