We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
