Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
