just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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