Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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