when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
