Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
