i always forget guys have bellybuttons
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize