Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
