my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
