Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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