You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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