i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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