She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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