Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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