I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
