barbara walters just said penis...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
