Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
