if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
honey bunches of taint.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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