I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
