Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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