I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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