Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
