The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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