I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
