Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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