Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is Oprah even human
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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