If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
