he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
