Pants 0. Shit 1.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
