I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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