Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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