Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
